


Phone Swap

by gallifreyanlibertea



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 05:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14846694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallifreyanlibertea/pseuds/gallifreyanlibertea
Summary: Arthur agrees to go on a date paid for by a mysterious company, which turns out to be none other than Phone Swap, people who pay for you to go on a date with someone and then let you snoop in each others' phones to see if you'd be up for a second date.





	Phone Swap

Arthur hated blind dates. However, his love of free food far surpassed his hatred for most things, so despite the fact that the idea was fishy-  a “company” paying for him to go on a date with some _ stranger _ \- there he was. 

There Arthur Kirkland was, sitting in a chair with a camera in his face. The cameraman assured him it wasn’t on. “Your date will be private, we just want to record when you two meet and… the very end of it, of course.”

Fishy. Arthur was the first to arrive at the address he’d been given. He had been told to walk into a room and introduce himself, to talk into a camera about what kind of significant other he was looking for- “My name is Arthur Kirkland, I’m twenty-six years old and I work at… well, I just have a boring desk job.”

Arthur managed a smile. The cameraman urged him to go on. “I’m just looking for someone who is nice and, well, attracted to me, hah… I’m not very particular. It’s been difficult getting a date lately, so I’ll honestly take what I can get.”

It had been awkward, yes, waiting in a room until his ‘date’- who supposedly had arrived ten minutes late, not a good start, mind you- finished his recording. Yet, as soon as the tall, tanned,  _ beefcake  _ of a male walked in through the other door to shake Arthur’s hand, Arthur forgot about the beginning, the setting, the awkwardness. Arthur had made an incomprehensible noise at the feel of that warm hand on his. Alfred, as the man introduced himself, laughed.

The date itself had been alright. It was not as awkward as Arthur had expected. The food provided was good, the conversation was light- Alfred was a funny, loud man, and Arthur, despite hating others with the same qualities, liked him. It was going well, and Alfred was charming, and Arthur could feel himself losing the tight, icy grip around his heart with Alfred’s every carefree, dimpled smile.

The icy grip came right back after the cameraman peeked around his equipment, after Alfred and Arthur had looked at the crew expectantly after what they assumed was the end of their date. 

“Okay guys, we have a surprise for you." There it was, that sinister smile Arthur had feared ever since he had a suspicion he was on some sort of prank show. "We’re going to have you two swap phones!”

Alfred choked. “Swap phones?”

“Yeah,” The cameraman emerged from behind his perch. “You two will have time to look through each others’ phones, get a feel of their personality, and see if you would want a second date.”

Arthur should’ve known his brother would be the type to sign him up for something like this,  _ god,  _ he  could’ve at least used a warning! Sure, he’d been quick (feigning reluctance, but see,  _ Arthur really was simultaneously cheap and desperate _ ) to accept the idea of the paid blind date when his brother had offered it to him, but Arthur should’ve known there was a catch when he wasn’t offered any details about the date.

He thought back to embarrassing texts and badly-lit pictures of himself that he told himself he’d delete but kept anyway- dear god, he did not want Alfred in his phone. 

Besides, he knew what happened to couples who snooped in phones. It never ended well.

Alfred seemed to have secrets of his own, seeing as his cheeks flushed a dark red. “Wh- wait, do we have to?”

“It’s all in the contract. Why else would we pay for your date?” The cameraman snorted.

“Well, my brother signed me up, so I had no idea!” So it seemed Alfred was on the same boat. Brothers were a universal disease.

The cameraman shrugged. “Unless you  _ absolutely _ don’t want to do it… you do get some additional money  in compensation at the end.”

Arthur chewed his lip, debating on whether or not to protest. He chose to stay silent. Alfred also sighed in resignation.  _ Well, they _ are _ offering money... _

“Now who wants to go first?” As soon as the question was asked, Alfred piped up with the answer, as if he had already decided to go first as soon as their unique situation had revealed itself.

Arthur didn’t know if he liked that. Now that he thought about it, it was smart to go first. It was smart to get it over with, rather than to sit in a chair stewing in worry until the other person was done.

Alfred shot Arthur a look, half pitied and half, well, there was no way to describe it but mischievous. It was a slight smirk. It sent a chill up Arthur’s spine.

Alfred was gone, and what seemed like an hour later, he was back, expression light and eyes sparkling.

Arthur was ushered into the room next, and he walked briskly enough not to focus on the feeling of his stomach plummeting under that blue-eyed gaze. Arthur couldn't help but wonder what Alfred had seen to warrant such an expression. He wondered if it was a good thing.

It was probably not a good thing.

He entered the room to be met with a crew who informed him that he would be mic’d, and that he would have to scroll through a phone and comment aloud. The phone’s screen was recorded, and his voice would be added in during the final edit, it was simple.

Arthur gripped the phone in his hand, dutifully eyeing the camera crew until they signalled for him to begin. “Erm, well, I suppose I’ll begin with the camera roll.”

He clicked the camera app and scrolled through. “A lot of sporty pictures so I’m guessing he plays sports.” Arthur said with a slight laugh.

He supposed sporty was the right way to describe them. Tight shirts exposed the benefits of a good diet and exercise routine; well-lit gym selfies sent pangs of envy in Arthur’s gut… Arthur’s, em, slightly chubby, definitely  _ less-toned _ , gut.

Arthur paused on a certain picture of a group of sweaty shirtless jocks hoisting Alfred up on their shoulders. “I’m guessing these are high school pictures. He’s… um, he’s, very built.”

Built indeed. Arthur tried not to think of how those abs would feel under his fingertips. He tried not to think about the rather...  _ racy _ implications of a fit body- of strength and… endurance.

“Most of these are the same so I’ll go to the-” An idea struck his head. Arthur bit back a devious smile. “I wonder what’s in his recently-deleted.”

Arthur opened the recently-deleted files with a smug smile that dropped off his face almost as abruptly as his heart ceased to beat. He was greeted with a picture of a- Arthur couldn’t remember yelping, but by the concern on the faces of the cameramen and the sound of his panicked voice reaching his own ears, he supposedly had.

Arthur’s heart picked up the pace, racing in his chest as his cheeks flushed an impossibly hot red.  _ Dear god, that was his-! Was that his…?  _ Arthur hit the home screen with a gasp, pressing a hand to his chest as his eyes moved up to gaze into the camera.

“These are his…  _ his nudes _ , what do I-?”

“You can go through them if you want.” The cameraman said with a laugh, “There are no rules to this.”

Arthur blinked, clicking back in red-faced.  “He’s very… built here too.”

He then decided against snooping, despite the encouraging laughter of the crew, and moved through the home screen instead. “I see he has some dating apps here.”

He was greeted with more nudes, some steamy pick-up lines and gorgeous profile pictures. Arthur’s heart was in his throat. “Alfred certainly has a big personality.” 

He went back to the home screen and squinted his eyes at the wallpaper, “Oh, that’s just adorable, I think that’s him and his dog.”

He cleared his throat, glancing at the camera before harshly averting his eyes. “Adorable.”

After a pause, he straightened up. “I think I’m done.” 

“Okay.” The cameraman said. Arthur stepped out of the room as guided by a member of the crew to find Alfred lounging on a chair.

Alfred glanced up, cheeks flushed. 

Arthur met his gaze, cheeks flushed. 

“Now you two get to see what the other saw.” The cameraman beamed, lips twisted into a grin that seemed almost sickening, almost ruthless, seeing as Alfred and Arthur both sported similar looks of dread. 

Arthur would rather have been six feet under, right then and there. Alfred seemed to feel the same, because he tossed a wide-eyed look in Arthur’s direction, full lips mouthing the word “fuck”. 

Arthur went first this time.

He was taken back into the same room as footage of Alfred scrolling through Arthur’s phone played on the television mounted on the wall. He couldn’t help but marvel at how quickly the video had been made. Perhaps the crew had been working on it while Arthur was recording his session.

“Feel free to comment on anything Alfred says.” The cameraman said.

Alfred's introduction came first. "Hi, my name is Alfred Jones and I'm twenty four years old! I work at McDonald's and Uber drive sometimes, yanno, for the college money." Alfred grinned at the camera. The footage then cut into his dating preferences, "I want a guy with an actual personality... who wouldn't mind mine." A loud laugh. 

Alfred began with the text messages. An interesting choice.

“Aww, his last text to his mom was an ‘I love you’, that’s real sweet. I love a guy who has a nice relationship with his parents.”

Arthur found himself blushing as the footage cut to a pleased grin on Alfred’s face. “And he uses perfect grammar in his texts and all. With punctuation. Boy, is he out of my league.” 

“I get a lot of grief about that, actually.” Arthur said with a nervous chuckle, “I can come off a bit rude over text.”

The fact that Arthur couldn’t tell if Alfred’s compliment was sarcastic or genuine clenched his stomach in worry. Alfred moved to his camera roll next, and Arthur fought to remember what sort of pictures were on his phone.

“He’s cute.” Alfred mused, scrolling through a particularly awful selfie Arthur had taken recently. “Oh, his cats are gorgeous!” 

Arthur bit back a smile. 

Alfred made a wide sweep up Arthur’s camera roll, “I’m hoping he has some nudes or something.”

Arthur’s smile melted into horror, “Um,  _ what?” _

“Ah, well, he doesn’t seem like the type, anyway.” Alfred concluded after a minute or so. “I wonder if he has dating apps.”

Arthur had none.

“I guess I’ll check his social media.”

Arthur had… none. He only ever used the messaging app to text close friends. He was never one for the larger social media sphere. Alfred’s disappointment- or rather, his shock- was apparent in those wide blue eyes. “Jeez, no gaming apps either? That’s kinda boring!”

“I suppose that’s an accurate description of me.” Arthur said, managing a weak smile. 

Boring.

Arthur didn’t feel like smiling but he also didn't feel like giving the cameras any other expression.

He knew this was a horrible idea. He knew he was just being set up to be embarrassed, and he knew, just as soon as Alfred walked into their date, that Alfred was  _ miles _ out of Arthur’s league. 

He should’ve gotten out somehow and saved himself the  mortification and shame. 

The mortification and shame of being called  _ boring _ , that is. Arthur could’ve gone without it.

The clip came to an end and Arthur was escorted into some sort of waiting room. He presumed he would have to sit there until Alfred finished watching Arthur’s clip, and they would have to meet and come to a decision of some kind.

Arthur’s cheeks burned red at the thought of Alfred smirking as Arthur commented on the size of his- er, and his muscle, and  _ ugh,  _ Alfred would hear all of Arthur’s vocal infatuation and know just how attractive Arthur found him, and all Alfred had to say about Arthur was that he was boring.

Well, Arthur was used to it. Alfred must’ve been used to it as well, to be on a date with someone so beneath him. He probably had more than enough dialogues on hand to let Arthur down gently.

Arthur's self-loathing session was interrupted by the sound of a door opening.

“Are you ready?” A man said.

No, Arthur was not.

Alfred seemed ready, however. Arthur found him sitting back in his chair, chin tilted up in a knowing smirk. Arthur smiled back politely and took a seat in the chair next to him.

“Alright, you two can talk.”

Silence.

“Well,” Alfred began, “Let me just say, I’m so sorry for all the nudes you found on my phone, it’s really not something I wanted your first impression of me to be.” 

Arthur chewed his lip, hot faced. He only moved his mouth to formulate words when he told himself he’d  _ never forgive himself _ if he’d gone bashfully quiet at the topic of Alfred’s nudes...  _ on camera. _ He smiled. “It’s an art, Alfred, I wasn't against them-“

Arthur’s eyes widened, “I, I- um, I meant to say I wouldn’t hold you against them. Not that I liked-“

Alfred winked and Arthur decided he wouldn’t be opposed to feigning a medical condition to get out of the situation. 

“Well, moving on," Arthur cleared his throat, "Alfred, you’ve got just the right impression of me, I can tell you that.” 

“Yeah, what’s with the lack of social media?” Alfred said, to which Arthur went stiff.

“Um… I just,”  _ I don’t have any friends.  _ “I prefer to keep my interactions straightforward and to the people I know and like.” 

“That’s admirable.” Alfred said, with a smile. “Anything you want to ask me?”

“Uh…” Arthur shifted in his seat, “I suppose I could ask the opposite- why so much social media? I saw at least a few different dating apps, and, well, I wouldn’t think a guy like you would… have trouble, uh,” 

Arthur wanted to kick himself. Alfred laughed, “That’s sweet of you to say, but it’s really hard to find dates in person… guys don’t usually approach me when I go out to clubs n’ stuff, I’ve been told I’m really loud and that kinda puts people off, and, well, you can’t be loud over text, can you? I’m okay with it though, not all of us can have an attractive voice.”

Alfred stopped speaking almost abruptly, chewing his lip with a sheepish, dimpled smile, “Not all of us can have a british accent, I mean. That’s really the easiest way to get in somebody’s pants here in the good ol’ U.S.A.”

Arthur wished he hadn’t choked on air just then so he could’ve kept up with the “sexy Englishman” illusion Alfred, much to Arthur’s secret delight, seemed to have. Alfred laughed at Arthur’s discomfort, and Arthur wished he could’ve said something in reply- something witty, maybe a-  _well, I haven't gotten into any pants in the two years I've been here!_

Yikes. He kept his mouth shut. He didn't need Alfred, the entire crew, _and_ the future audience, knowing that despite having the advantage his accent supposedly gave him, Arthur was still repulsive enough of a person to not have gotten any action in so long.

With the lull in the conversation, the cameraman said, “Alright, now you type, into the notes app of each others’ phones, whether you'd want a second date or not. Before you give it back to the other person.” 

Arthur swallowed hard. The decision didn’t seem as difficult for Alfred, who took to typing right away. Arthur’s cheeks flared in shame. Well, if it was so easy for Alfred to pick what was _obviously_ his choice, Arthur wouldn’t embarrass himself. 

They switched phones.

Alfred’s expression fell. “He said no.”

Arthur’s eyes widened. “He said…  _ yes?   _ Wha- you said yes?"

Alfred’s brows were furrowed. “Well, yeah, you’re cute, why wouldn’t I say yes?”

Arthur shifted in his seat. 

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re weird,” Alfred said with a laugh. It was a laugh that lacked humor, as strange as that seemed. “But it’s the good kind. I would’ve liked to get to know you, but-”

And before Arthur knew it- “I take it back,” he blurted.

“What?”

It was a word echoed by both an incredulous Alfred and a crew with matching expressions. Arthur chewed his lip, nervous under the attention. He was completely aware of how foolish he looked- a man who was unable of communicating his feelings if he had even the slightest bit of doubt that they wouldn’t be reciprocated. “I was sure you were going to say no, so I did it first.”

Alfred raised his brows. “So you said no but you meant yes?”

“Yes.” Arthur said. 

“And I wouldn’t have known you were into me unless I had said yes-?”

“Yes.” Arthur echoed impatiently. 

“-even though it was kinda obvious, you were practically drooling over my nudes. I was surprised you said no, really.”

“I was  _ not _ drooling!” 

“You most definitely were!” Alfred said, and it was apparent by the smirk on his lips that he was teasing, but Arthur was never one to take humiliation lightly. “You didn’t need to be on the same picture for so long, yanno.”

The crew seemed to be enjoying this, but Arthur was certainly not. He was certainly not enjoying the prospect of having this footage put on the Internet, of millions of people-  _ including his own brother _ \- watching as a man accused him of such  _ lewd _ things! There was no doubt Arthur’s brother would never let him forget it, nor any one of Arthur’s friends, so damn it, it didn’t matter that Alfred was easily the most attractive man to ever blink in Arthur’s direction! It didn’t matter that even looking at Alfred's face made his heart leap into somersaults. He huffed, sitting straight in his chair and crossing his arms,  “I  take it back… again!”

Alfred raised his brows, as if expecting a reason, so Arthur gave him one.

“Well, you’re far too childish for me to stand a second date with.” 

“ _ I’m _ childish?” Alfred echoed. 

Arthur huffed. “Yes.”

“Fine.” Alfred said with humored eyes.

“Fine.” Arthur said back, cooly.

“So is that a no, or…?” The cameraman inquired, “We need a definite answer, and you two can go your separate ways.”

Arthur glanced at Alfred almost expectantly, to which Alfred’s lips quirked up in a smile. “It’s a definite yes from me.”

Oh. 

Arthur cleared his throat, cheeks welling up with the hot red feeling of shame, for the umpteenth time that day. Dear _god_ , Arthur was an idiot. His ridiculous pride said no, yet every other inch of him, fueled by the two driest years of Arthur’s life, threatened mutiny if he said anything but yes.

Well, his pride didn’t seem to mind the images Arthur’s deprived brain had concocted, of his fingers running through Alfred's wheat blond hair, of every sound in the background going mute at the chime of that loud, boyish laugh, of the warm feeling of someone’s lips on Arthur’s own  _ after the longest time _ . 

His pride didn’t mind at all. 

“I… it’s… I suppose it’s… it’s a yes from me, then.” Arthur replied. 

Alfred smiled. “I get the feeling I'm in for a ride with the likes of you, Arthur.”

And any retort Arthur had in mind to make melted away as Alfred gestured for a hug that Arthur reluctantly accepted.

“But it was nice to meet you.” Alfred said, practically into Arthur’s hair. 

Arthur sunk into that warm embrace, tugging away just as he realized he’d been holding the hug far too long to be socially acceptable. 

“I already put my number into your phone, so text me when you want to head out.” Alfred said, “I was thinking next weekend, we could grab dinner?”

“Yes, that would- it would be lovely, yes.” Arthur replied, watching as Alfred left to politely shake the hands of the crew, who informed them that the money transaction would take place online within a week. He headed to the exit, turning to toss a wink in Arthur’s direction.

“I can’t wait to receive those exclusively-inner circle texts of yours.”

And Alfred was gone, leaving Arthur to gather his things, politely wishing the crew a good day and leaving with a giddy smile on his lips. 

There were some things  _ he _ couldn’t wait to receive either. 


End file.
